We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
