you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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