Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
