He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
