She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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