the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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