bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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