i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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