they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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