I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
