I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
