You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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