I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We're too hungover to prance.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
