she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
