The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
