just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
