I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This is classic penis vs brain.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
