if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
