May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
did i just pee glitter
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
