This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
