mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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