I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
