Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
