you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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