mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
