I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
we're so committed to being not committed
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
