..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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