the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
