the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
