And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
