I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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