Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
