I'm passing your future prison.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
