She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
