dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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