I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
