I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
