end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
