i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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