I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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