I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
