I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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