I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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