1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
