Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
