Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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