Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
