and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
