i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
