i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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